Mid-Life Sukhasana

-

I had been sitting in sukhasana for longer than I thought was humanly possible. My tight hips were screaming, my left foot had been numb for the last 10 minutes, and I was mourning the fact that I had listened to the teacher's directions and not had my morning cup of coffee. And my feet were cold, damn it. 

 I had enrolled in an Inner Engineering weekend. Normally, I would've steered clear of anything attached to a guru, but a local university medical school had linked itself to this meditation weekend, so I slapped my money down, and here I was. 

 We spent the morning alternately watching video talks by Sadhguru from the Isha Foundation and learning upa yoga and kriyas, a type of meditation.  All the while, I thumb-wrestled with my cynicism. And then, during one of the videos, he talked about all human beings longing to be boundless. Without warning, tears began to pool. I hate that when that happens, but there I was trying to swallow them down. I was mystified. Why the hell was I crying, when five minutes ago, I'd been stifling the urge to yawn?

 Because he was right. 

 I'd just turned 49. There was nothing about my life that felt boundless. Every time I got together with my grade school posse, we expressed our sense of bewilderment and outrage. How did we get here? Is this all there is? We talked about feeling trapped in our lives, our careers, our circumstances. As one friend put it, "I'm too young to retire, but too damn old to start something new...to damn old to go back to school, and I couldn't afford to anyway." 

 In my 20s, my life stretched out before me, loaded with possibilities. In my 30s, I divorced, recovered, ran marathons, and thought about a Ph.D. program. In my 40s, I congratulated myself on my use of sunscreen, stopped running because it now hurt, took up yoga, and thought about Latin dance lessons. And then, mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. Six months later, while we were still reeling from her diagnosis, she died. 

 At 49, I found myself on a yoga mat, with pretzeled legs and brimming eyes. When was the last time I felt boundless? 
"If I were to tell you that your life is already perfect, whole, and complete just as it is, you would think I was crazy. Nobody believes his or her life is perfect. And yet there is something within each of us that basically knows we are boundless, limitless."
                                                                                       -Joko Beck 

There you have it.  My 50s are now looming...they arrive at the end of this month! And so, this blog is about my search for boundlessness, inward or outward. When did I lose it? Did I ever really have it? If I was a different kind of person, I might buy a corvette, a boob job and a face lift. Instead, I'll blog. Welcome to my mid-life crisis.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Tsundoku: One Step Backward to Take Two Steps Forward

-
Image
"Did you like this one?" "The one by Tsukiyama? I haven't read that one yet, but you can borrow it." "What about this Donald Hall memoir?" "No. Not yet. But I'm sure it's good. I love his writing." "Well, I don't want to borrow one you haven't read yet." "Okay. Let me look..." It's true. I suffer from tsundoku. As a teacher and avid reader, I am surrounded by books. I arrange them in artistic piles with blue stones I collect on the shores of Lake Superior. My collection of bird feathers is framed and perches on another stack. They're on night stands, kitchen counters, and in hand-woven baskets.  I force myself to purge my collection every year, but it's truly a struggle because books bring me joy...all of them. I don't buy joyless books.  Growing up, I was never that little girl who played princesses and dreamed about who I was going to marry and how many kids we'd have.
Read more

Showing Up & A New Equation

-
Image
I stood in the early morning dark, gloved and cuddle-dudded. My numb fingers managed to work the safety pin on my race number. My running buddy and I bounced up and down in sync to keep warm. We had left the January cold in Michigan to run a marathon in the Phoenix sun. But Mother Nature had different plans, and it was colder in Phoenix than in our home state. Each of us was running for a different reason. This was her first marathon, and when she had asked to train with me five months prior, I was thrilled. I was running for charity and in memory of my friend, Liz. Both of us agreed to run our own races, not wanting to hold each other back, but we had big plans for bowls of margaritas and Mexican food afterward. The race was a hard one. We stayed together until mile 13. My emotions got the best of me as I thought about the friend I’d just lost who had supported my marathon and charitable running endeavors even though she would’ve given anything to be able to join me. I hit the wa
Read more

Bikini Bottom Ruffles, Floating & Letting Go

-
Image
You could see the panic ripple across her face when the swim instructor tried to let go of her hand. She had arrived at the pool in her pink polka-dotted bikini with ruffles on her bottom. Her corkscrew curls stuck out around the edges of the rubbery bathing cap her mother had wrestled onto her head. She looked to be about 4 or 5 years old, but she had walked the pool deck before her swim lesson as if it were the catwalk at the NYC Fashion Week. Everything about her exuded confidence. Until now.  Just lay back. Let go. Let go. Just lay back and float. I'm going to take my hand away. "Nooooooooo!" echoed throughout the pool room. Ear-splitting shrieks followed. Eventually, she floated. Tear-stained and still shuddering from the experience, she called to her mom, "I did it mom. I let go." I've been working on my boundless list this first month. If you remember, my challenge was to practice yoga for 30 days straight (you can read about the list HERE
Read more